Use these face products and get laid

I am a True Blue Spa addict. If you're not addicted to TBS, you should be.

Its reasonably priced and it works WONDERS. Its amazing stuff.

I have terrible skin. Really, in order for me to get on my hot girl disguise, I've gotta pile on a ton of Bare Minerals  powder foundation, plus stuff beneath the circles under my eyes. And that's before I put on any eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss.

Two days ago, I bought a whole collection of True Blue Spa stuff and its FABULOUS. Here's my routine and in only 2 days, i'm seeing results. Awesome.

I start with the peppermint scrub. I love this stuff. It smells great and feels even better on my face. I have large pores. I don't know if you know this but if you're going to exfoliate your face, you need to make sure its not a face scrub that is very grainy. That'll rub your pores raw and leave them more open for bacteria-making you more prone to breakouts. I wash my face with that and then pat it dry.

I put on a moisturizer-i'm a huge fan of CO Bigelow stuff. I know its catered toward men, but honestly, it just feels great and I like the way it smells. I have a ton of their lip gloss, but that's another post. After my moisturizer is on, i might put the de-puff eye stuff on. Then I put on my make-up as usual.

Since I have such bad skin, I don't wear make-up all day. The second I get home from work, I wash it all off-i use Pat Wex face wash. Then I use the TBS Fizzing Foaming Face Wash with Green Tea. I love it because you can feel it fizz up and foam instantly. You can really feel it cleaning your pores.

Some days I can feel a bad breakout coming on-this hasn't been the case recently, but I've been using the TBS pumpkin mask just because it feels great and it makes my face smell like a pie. Its a win-win. I put it on, leave it on for about 10mins and then wash it off. Fabulous.

Before bed, I wash my face-normally with Pat Wex anti-aging face wash. Then I put on the Blackberry Purifying Peel-Off mask. I let it dry and leave it on for 20mins, and then peel it off. I can feel the grime and dirt being pulled out. My face feels GREAT afterwards and very smooth. After that, I put on another moisturizer and head to bed.

I'm not normally a huge advocate of products but I will say I've seen a different with True Blue Spa. They have a full body line-stuff for your feet, hands, whole body, everything. I can't wait to get some more of the There's the Rub body scrub. It does wonderful things to my elbows :)

Anal Eaze Is Not Lube

Okay, so let me just throw this out there. I had anal sex the other night. Hurricane Irene knocked out our power and our son was in bed and we needed something to do. Well, when you've been together for like, five years, sex can get kinda boring. I mean, its not BAD per se. Its just very familiar and we've kinda gotten it down to a certain formula:  15mins of foreplay. 15 mins of penetration in one position. 15 mins in another. 2mins of orgasm. 13mins of cuddling.

So, since we had a ton of time to kill since we had no electricity, we decided we would attempt anal sex.

Now, anal sex is kinda difficult for me. I have a small asshole. I mean, I dont know-are assholes like vaginas? Are there different sizes? Well, if there are, mine is an XXS-extra extra small. Its barely even exit only.

That's gross and TMI. Sorry.

Anyway, so we decided to use Anal Eaze. Its a product that I purchased at a Slumber Party. Its supposed to numb the anus so penetration is not painful.

Now, I Slumber Parties. I'm training to be a consultant. But it didn't work. It. Didnt. Work.

Chat Roulette is a Dirty Dirty Game

I've seen more penises than a porn star at a gang bang audition. 

chatroulette.com is INSANE. Its all foreign guys jerking it. All the do is sit their with their dicks out and touch themselves and ask to see tits. 

I tried to engage a guy in conversation. He had a small dong, so I figured he wouldn't be too....errr...cocky (aheheheh) and might actually be able to talk about something other than tits and ass. 

ME:  Hey. 

HIM:  Sup Skanks.

Me:  (looking around). Its just me here, sorry. 

HIM:  wat no frends?

ME:  No. No friends. Sorry. 

HIM:  You looken to get lucky 2nite?

ME:  Define lucky.

HIM:  u stupid or sumthing

ME: Or something. 

HIM:  show me ur tits

ME:  Hi, nice to meet you too. 

HIM:  wats ur name? sumthing sexy like krystal or xxxena?

ME:  Xxxena?

HIM:  like da singer, u no. dirty. 

ME:  No. You're thinking of Xtina. Christina Aguilera. 

HIM:  u hot like her

ME:  ...This is a cam site. Can you not see me?

HIM:  no i see u is dat ur frend?

Ok, at this point, I become greatly alarmed because I think two things could be happening. One, there is a scary ghost girl behind me or two, I have someone been tricked into talking to someone that actually has someone outside of my apartment and they were going to kill me Funny Games style. 

I skipped to the next person. 

THIS time I got two guys at once. Both of them had their dicks out. "Can we see your tits?"

Uh...how about you just look at each other, 'cause the whole two dicks in one screen seems pretty gay to me. 

I skipped through the next few guys.  A couple of them were wearing masks, a couple of them had the cam pointed at their crotches...and then a few of them had strap-ons on...so that was kinda weird for me. 

"Why do I end up with the weirdos?"

I have a friend who has a penchant for weirdos. Somehow she finds them. Or they find her.

Originally, I had planned to write an actual blog about this. Like, paragraphs, illustrations and everything. Instead, I'm just going to give you the notes. So here they go.

(this all happened last weekend, btw)

BLOG


-Ash and drunk guy
-blue hair (her hair, not him0
-in a band (emo) (him, not her)
-uses hair straightener
-drank almost an entire liter of vodka-ZELKO VODKA
-i spent the entire time worried he was going to puke on the carpet or my stuff
-at one point he sat up and said 'i'm not sure what's going on' LOVELY
-he was good with kids-it was one of his redeeming qualities
-we kept asking 'how much did you drink?'
-we couldn't tell if he was crying or giggling. they sounded the same. i dont know about my friend, but i can't be dtf with a dude like that

he got totally tanked and slammed his head into the glass coffee table. there was a loud crack. then, he hid under the blankets. like we would forget about his drunk ass or something.

at this point, he had a crazy mood swing and turned into a dick. he was getting belligerent and went from making little sense to absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. i couldn't even figure it out and i speak drunken slurs fluently. he tried to kick my friend out of her apartment. then he kept asking 'what time is it?' and saying 'some people wanna sleep' but when she'd try to leave the living room he'd keep mumbling at her to come back.

what i've concluded based on this evening? i will never date a guy in an emo band, ever.

If You Don't Know How To Order Coffee

Get the fuck outta my way. Mama needs her iced macchiato.

If you don't know what an artesan coffee is called, you're simply not worthy.

all I wanted was an iced coffee-an iced skinny caramel macchiato. all the black guy in front of me wanted was a venti house blend with a shot of espresso and soy. But he didn't know how to say it.

"Gimme one of dem regular coffees with dat bitter stuff in it with all the energy. And the milk that comes from the beans.

...what? Oh. house blend. Espresso. Soy.

Now, I'm not a coffee snob but I AM a self-proclaimed iced latte addict. Iced skinny caramel lattes and iced macchiatos are my poison. And like I've posted before, how much Starbucks I've consumed in a day influences my sex life. So, my husband puts up with and fully supports the $15 I spend a day on my drinks. Yeah, they could be made for half the price, but they wouldn't be as good. I know, I've tried.

So I'm standing there in line trying not to sigh impatiently-and failing miserably.

I'm also trying to figure out why the barista couldn't figure out wtf he wanted. I mean, I could figure it out-wtf do they pay her for, anyway?

She gives him something similar to what he's asking for. He didn't know the difference but whatever. Not my problem.

I order my drink.

She gave me a caramel latte with two shots of espresso. WTF IS THIS SHIT. Why can't people do their jobs. Ugh.

And my husband DID NOT get laid that night.

That awkward moment when you run into your ex and his new girlfriend says...

"Is she the one that used to do that thing?"

And you wonder...what is she talking about? I always assume the worst and take it to mean something sexual. You can say just about anything to me and for at least half a second I'll perceive it as sexual innuendo. I will either be extremely flattered or extremely freaked out. Both faces look the same so you won't know which emotion is racing through my head or loins. Its like I have a sex poker face or something.

So, given the ex it was-the ex I had when I was 18, this statement could have meant just about anything. I did a lot of crazy shit when I was 18 because I drank a lot and was a high school dropout which basically meant I had too much free time on my hands and little to no self-respect.

Did she mean the giggling during sex? The toe curling thing which almost always meant a cramp which meant tears-which were often mistaken for crying during sex...but it wasn't the sex itself that was making me cry! I swear! Did she mean the craving for crab rangoon almost immediately after orgasm? The time phase where I smoked lots of weed, had lots of sex and then binged on fritos and chocolate pudding?

Or was it something non-sexual, like "Is the the one that used to shake her head three times after meeting someone new so she'd remember their name?" Because I do that too.

What could it mean? Do other people assume their exes have discussed every detail of the previous sex life with their new partners? Am I weird for wanting to know where my partners have been and what they've done with them. I mean, I know I'm the best but if I"m not the first, I wanna know details.

At any rate, if it WAS sexual, I bet she was intimated when she saw my tits in real life.

Don't Put Tooth Paste on Your Hoo-Ha

When I was 18, I dated a guy that told me he liked to masturbate with tooth paste. I can't be with anyone who is more sexually adventurous than me so I had to try it to.

He said he LIKED the cooling sensation he got on his dick when he did. He said it felt great and compared it to someone going down on him a breath mint in his mouth.

Cosmo said guys really liked that, so I figured if it felt good for HIM, it would feel good for me too. I mean, cool breaths on your pussy? That sounds kinda hot.

So one night when he was working I tried it.

The scene looked kinda like something out of The 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell gets ready to jerk off. Besides turning around the pictures and action figures. I didn't care if my stuffed animals saw. I mean, half the time they were on the bed while I was fucking anyway. There weren't innocents at this point.

So I got into bed and I had my new tube of tooth paste ready. I mean, I don't know if you know this but I am really anal (haha) about my teeth. I couldn't use the same tooth paste. I just couldn't.

I'm not going to get really graphic because someone told me my dad was reading this blog and I appreciate the support but it makes it weird for me to actually type out stuff...you know? So i'm just gonna say:

IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.

IT FELT HORRIBLE.

WORST SENSATION I'VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.

MY VAGINA IS STILL CRINGING THINKING ABOUT IT

It felt like a terrible sex dragon breathing fire on my clitoris. I screamed. I cried. My roommate (a 60-some year old man that drank non-stop and had flaking skin from mild liver failure) knocked on the door and asked if I was alright and if anything was on fire.

I couldn't sit with my legs closed for three days. I don't sit with my legs together anyway, but had I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't let my ex go down on me for a month. Two reasons:  i couldn't trust him. What he thought felt good was terrible and disgusting and also my clitoris was so friggin' raw just the thought of a penis made me want to cry.

These are terrible memories. *Shudder* I wish I could forget. I hope this blog prevents someone out there from making the same mistake I did. If you try it anyway, don't say I didn't try to warn you.