If You Don't Know How To Order Coffee

Get the fuck outta my way. Mama needs her iced macchiato.

If you don't know what an artesan coffee is called, you're simply not worthy.

all I wanted was an iced coffee-an iced skinny caramel macchiato. all the black guy in front of me wanted was a venti house blend with a shot of espresso and soy. But he didn't know how to say it.

"Gimme one of dem regular coffees with dat bitter stuff in it with all the energy. And the milk that comes from the beans.

...what? Oh. house blend. Espresso. Soy.

Now, I'm not a coffee snob but I AM a self-proclaimed iced latte addict. Iced skinny caramel lattes and iced macchiatos are my poison. And like I've posted before, how much Starbucks I've consumed in a day influences my sex life. So, my husband puts up with and fully supports the $15 I spend a day on my drinks. Yeah, they could be made for half the price, but they wouldn't be as good. I know, I've tried.

So I'm standing there in line trying not to sigh impatiently-and failing miserably.

I'm also trying to figure out why the barista couldn't figure out wtf he wanted. I mean, I could figure it out-wtf do they pay her for, anyway?

She gives him something similar to what he's asking for. He didn't know the difference but whatever. Not my problem.

I order my drink.

She gave me a caramel latte with two shots of espresso. WTF IS THIS SHIT. Why can't people do their jobs. Ugh.

And my husband DID NOT get laid that night.

Starbucks Controls My Sex Drive

Okay, I'm not totally sure if I'm right about this. Right now its just a theory that I'm developing but here goes:  I think Starbucks controls my sex drive.

When we were broke for those two months my husband was out of work, I cut back on a lot of things. But the one thing I couldn't give up was my Starbucks. I drank LESS but I just couldn't give it up completely.

Now, before you say:  you're stupid. Starbucks is expensive. Your cell phone was cut off, lemme just say:

I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM.

Starbucks is my crack. I can't help it. I mean, my apartment building is like a halfway house, everyone here is addicted to SOMETHING. Even my son. His addiction? Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan or whatever that show with the cartoon asian kid is. He can't get enough of that show. And I can't get enough of Skinny Iced Caramel Machiattos. I LOVE THEM. If I don't get one, I am in a terrible mood and I don't want to do anything. Especially have sex. If I don't get my daily intake of coffee my husband can kiss the mere idea of any nookie goodbye.

When we were broke, we had a lot of sex. My husband was home all the time, the house was clean, I was working all the time-thus I was near Starbucks. I drank INSANE amounts of Starbucks iced lattes. I had one in the morning. I had one in between shifts. I had one before closing the store at my second job. If I was walking around the mall on one of my breaks there was a good chance that I had either just finished an iced latte or I was on my way to getting a new one.

And when I got home, I would tackle my husband and we would have sex. Amazing sex, too, which was impressive because he only had one hand to work with.

I've noticed something;  I have gone two days with Starbucks. We have not had sex in two days. I have been irritable and my vagina does not want a penis near her. Coincidence? I think not.