About Me

Do you like sex and food? Have you ever found yourself in a compromising situation and thought "Hey, what the hell?' and just gone with it?" If you answered yes to either of these question then we can probably be friends.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't Put Tooth Paste on Your Hoo-Ha

When I was 18, I dated a guy that told me he liked to masturbate with tooth paste. I can't be with anyone who is more sexually adventurous than me so I had to try it to.

He said he LIKED the cooling sensation he got on his dick when he did. He said it felt great and compared it to someone going down on him a breath mint in his mouth.

Cosmo said guys really liked that, so I figured if it felt good for HIM, it would feel good for me too. I mean, cool breaths on your pussy? That sounds kinda hot.

So one night when he was working I tried it.

The scene looked kinda like something out of The 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell gets ready to jerk off. Besides turning around the pictures and action figures. I didn't care if my stuffed animals saw. I mean, half the time they were on the bed while I was fucking anyway. There weren't innocents at this point.

So I got into bed and I had my new tube of tooth paste ready. I mean, I don't know if you know this but I am really anal (haha) about my teeth. I couldn't use the same tooth paste. I just couldn't.

I'm not going to get really graphic because someone told me my dad was reading this blog and I appreciate the support but it makes it weird for me to actually type out stuff...you know? So i'm just gonna say:





It felt like a terrible sex dragon breathing fire on my clitoris. I screamed. I cried. My roommate (a 60-some year old man that drank non-stop and had flaking skin from mild liver failure) knocked on the door and asked if I was alright and if anything was on fire.

I couldn't sit with my legs closed for three days. I don't sit with my legs together anyway, but had I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't let my ex go down on me for a month. Two reasons:  i couldn't trust him. What he thought felt good was terrible and disgusting and also my clitoris was so friggin' raw just the thought of a penis made me want to cry.

These are terrible memories. *Shudder* I wish I could forget. I hope this blog prevents someone out there from making the same mistake I did. If you try it anyway, don't say I didn't try to warn you.


  1. I am not laughing at you. Ok, maybe a little. It reminds me of the time a guy I was seeing told me about a porno he had watched. Apparently the guy in the porno poured alcohol all over the girl and she really, I mean REALLY, like it. Alright, I'll give it a go.

    I am convinced that they used water and not real Vodka. Why? I couldn't be paid to experience that amount of pain again.

  2. It was a terrible experience. Terrible, terrible.