About Me

Do you like sex and food? Have you ever found yourself in a compromising situation and thought "Hey, what the hell?' and just gone with it?" If you answered yes to either of these question then we can probably be friends.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Use these face products and get laid

I am a True Blue Spa addict. If you're not addicted to TBS, you should be.

Its reasonably priced and it works WONDERS. Its amazing stuff.

I have terrible skin. Really, in order for me to get on my hot girl disguise, I've gotta pile on a ton of Bare Minerals  powder foundation, plus stuff beneath the circles under my eyes. And that's before I put on any eyeliner, mascara and lip gloss.

Two days ago, I bought a whole collection of True Blue Spa stuff and its FABULOUS. Here's my routine and in only 2 days, i'm seeing results. Awesome.

I start with the peppermint scrub. I love this stuff. It smells great and feels even better on my face. I have large pores. I don't know if you know this but if you're going to exfoliate your face, you need to make sure its not a face scrub that is very grainy. That'll rub your pores raw and leave them more open for bacteria-making you more prone to breakouts. I wash my face with that and then pat it dry.

I put on a moisturizer-i'm a huge fan of CO Bigelow stuff. I know its catered toward men, but honestly, it just feels great and I like the way it smells. I have a ton of their lip gloss, but that's another post. After my moisturizer is on, i might put the de-puff eye stuff on. Then I put on my make-up as usual.

Since I have such bad skin, I don't wear make-up all day. The second I get home from work, I wash it all off-i use Pat Wex face wash. Then I use the TBS Fizzing Foaming Face Wash with Green Tea. I love it because you can feel it fizz up and foam instantly. You can really feel it cleaning your pores.

Some days I can feel a bad breakout coming on-this hasn't been the case recently, but I've been using the TBS pumpkin mask just because it feels great and it makes my face smell like a pie. Its a win-win. I put it on, leave it on for about 10mins and then wash it off. Fabulous.

Before bed, I wash my face-normally with Pat Wex anti-aging face wash. Then I put on the Blackberry Purifying Peel-Off mask. I let it dry and leave it on for 20mins, and then peel it off. I can feel the grime and dirt being pulled out. My face feels GREAT afterwards and very smooth. After that, I put on another moisturizer and head to bed.

I'm not normally a huge advocate of products but I will say I've seen a different with True Blue Spa. They have a full body line-stuff for your feet, hands, whole body, everything. I can't wait to get some more of the There's the Rub body scrub. It does wonderful things to my elbows :)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Anal Eaze Is Not Lube

Okay, so let me just throw this out there. I had anal sex the other night. Hurricane Irene knocked out our power and our son was in bed and we needed something to do. Well, when you've been together for like, five years, sex can get kinda boring. I mean, its not BAD per se. Its just very familiar and we've kinda gotten it down to a certain formula:  15mins of foreplay. 15 mins of penetration in one position. 15 mins in another. 2mins of orgasm. 13mins of cuddling.

So, since we had a ton of time to kill since we had no electricity, we decided we would attempt anal sex.

Now, anal sex is kinda difficult for me. I have a small asshole. I mean, I dont know-are assholes like vaginas? Are there different sizes? Well, if there are, mine is an XXS-extra extra small. Its barely even exit only.

That's gross and TMI. Sorry.

Anyway, so we decided to use Anal Eaze. Its a product that I purchased at a Slumber Party. Its supposed to numb the anus so penetration is not painful.

Now, I Slumber Parties. I'm training to be a consultant. But it didn't work. It. Didnt. Work.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Chat Roulette is a Dirty Dirty Game

I've seen more penises than a porn star at a gang bang audition. 

chatroulette.com is INSANE. Its all foreign guys jerking it. All the do is sit their with their dicks out and touch themselves and ask to see tits. 

I tried to engage a guy in conversation. He had a small dong, so I figured he wouldn't be too....errr...cocky (aheheheh) and might actually be able to talk about something other than tits and ass. 

ME:  Hey. 
HIM:  Sup Skanks.
Me:  (looking around). Its just me here, sorry. 
HIM:  wat no frends?
ME:  No. No friends. Sorry. 
HIM:  You looken to get lucky 2nite?
ME:  Define lucky.
HIM:  u stupid or sumthing
ME: Or something. 
HIM:  show me ur tits
ME:  Hi, nice to meet you too. 
HIM:  wats ur name? sumthing sexy like krystal or xxxena?
ME:  Xxxena?
HIM:  like da singer, u no. dirty. 
ME:  No. You're thinking of Xtina. Christina Aguilera. 
HIM:  u hot like her
ME:  ...This is a cam site. Can you not see me?
HIM:  no i see u is dat ur frend?

Ok, at this point, I become greatly alarmed because I think two things could be happening. One, there is a scary ghost girl behind me or two, I have someone been tricked into talking to someone that actually has someone outside of my apartment and they were going to kill me Funny Games style. 

I skipped to the next person. 

THIS time I got two guys at once. Both of them had their dicks out. "Can we see your tits?"

Uh...how about you just look at each other, 'cause the whole two dicks in one screen seems pretty gay to me. 

I skipped through the next few guys.  A couple of them were wearing masks, a couple of them had the cam pointed at their crotches...and then a few of them had strap-ons on...so that was kinda weird for me. 


Thursday, August 18, 2011

"Why do I end up with the weirdos?"

I have a friend who has a penchant for weirdos. Somehow she finds them. Or they find her.

Originally, I had planned to write an actual blog about this. Like, paragraphs, illustrations and everything. Instead, I'm just going to give you the notes. So here they go.

(this all happened last weekend, btw)

BLOG


-Ash and drunk guy
-blue hair (her hair, not him0
-in a band (emo) (him, not her)
-uses hair straightener
-drank almost an entire liter of vodka-ZELKO VODKA
-i spent the entire time worried he was going to puke on the carpet or my stuff
-at one point he sat up and said 'i'm not sure what's going on' LOVELY
-he was good with kids-it was one of his redeeming qualities
-we kept asking 'how much did you drink?'
-we couldn't tell if he was crying or giggling. they sounded the same. i dont know about my friend, but i can't be dtf with a dude like that

he got totally tanked and slammed his head into the glass coffee table. there was a loud crack. then, he hid under the blankets. like we would forget about his drunk ass or something.

at this point, he had a crazy mood swing and turned into a dick. he was getting belligerent and went from making little sense to absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever. i couldn't even figure it out and i speak drunken slurs fluently. he tried to kick my friend out of her apartment. then he kept asking 'what time is it?' and saying 'some people wanna sleep' but when she'd try to leave the living room he'd keep mumbling at her to come back.

what i've concluded based on this evening? i will never date a guy in an emo band, ever.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

If You Don't Know How To Order Coffee

Get the fuck outta my way. Mama needs her iced macchiato.

If you don't know what an artesan coffee is called, you're simply not worthy.

all I wanted was an iced coffee-an iced skinny caramel macchiato. all the black guy in front of me wanted was a venti house blend with a shot of espresso and soy. But he didn't know how to say it.

"Gimme one of dem regular coffees with dat bitter stuff in it with all the energy. And the milk that comes from the beans.

...what? Oh. house blend. Espresso. Soy.

Now, I'm not a coffee snob but I AM a self-proclaimed iced latte addict. Iced skinny caramel lattes and iced macchiatos are my poison. And like I've posted before, how much Starbucks I've consumed in a day influences my sex life. So, my husband puts up with and fully supports the $15 I spend a day on my drinks. Yeah, they could be made for half the price, but they wouldn't be as good. I know, I've tried.

So I'm standing there in line trying not to sigh impatiently-and failing miserably.

I'm also trying to figure out why the barista couldn't figure out wtf he wanted. I mean, I could figure it out-wtf do they pay her for, anyway?

She gives him something similar to what he's asking for. He didn't know the difference but whatever. Not my problem.

I order my drink.

She gave me a caramel latte with two shots of espresso. WTF IS THIS SHIT. Why can't people do their jobs. Ugh.

And my husband DID NOT get laid that night.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

That awkward moment when you run into your ex and his new girlfriend says...

"Is she the one that used to do that thing?"

And you wonder...what is she talking about? I always assume the worst and take it to mean something sexual. You can say just about anything to me and for at least half a second I'll perceive it as sexual innuendo. I will either be extremely flattered or extremely freaked out. Both faces look the same so you won't know which emotion is racing through my head or loins. Its like I have a sex poker face or something.

So, given the ex it was-the ex I had when I was 18, this statement could have meant just about anything. I did a lot of crazy shit when I was 18 because I drank a lot and was a high school dropout which basically meant I had too much free time on my hands and little to no self-respect.

Did she mean the giggling during sex? The toe curling thing which almost always meant a cramp which meant tears-which were often mistaken for crying during sex...but it wasn't the sex itself that was making me cry! I swear! Did she mean the craving for crab rangoon almost immediately after orgasm? The time phase where I smoked lots of weed, had lots of sex and then binged on fritos and chocolate pudding?

Or was it something non-sexual, like "Is the the one that used to shake her head three times after meeting someone new so she'd remember their name?" Because I do that too.

What could it mean? Do other people assume their exes have discussed every detail of the previous sex life with their new partners? Am I weird for wanting to know where my partners have been and what they've done with them. I mean, I know I'm the best but if I"m not the first, I wanna know details.

At any rate, if it WAS sexual, I bet she was intimated when she saw my tits in real life.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Don't Put Tooth Paste on Your Hoo-Ha

When I was 18, I dated a guy that told me he liked to masturbate with tooth paste. I can't be with anyone who is more sexually adventurous than me so I had to try it to.

He said he LIKED the cooling sensation he got on his dick when he did. He said it felt great and compared it to someone going down on him a breath mint in his mouth.

Cosmo said guys really liked that, so I figured if it felt good for HIM, it would feel good for me too. I mean, cool breaths on your pussy? That sounds kinda hot.

So one night when he was working I tried it.

The scene looked kinda like something out of The 40 Year Old Virgin where Steve Carell gets ready to jerk off. Besides turning around the pictures and action figures. I didn't care if my stuffed animals saw. I mean, half the time they were on the bed while I was fucking anyway. There weren't innocents at this point.

So I got into bed and I had my new tube of tooth paste ready. I mean, I don't know if you know this but I am really anal (haha) about my teeth. I couldn't use the same tooth paste. I just couldn't.

I'm not going to get really graphic because someone told me my dad was reading this blog and I appreciate the support but it makes it weird for me to actually type out stuff...you know? So i'm just gonna say:

IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD.

IT FELT HORRIBLE.

WORST SENSATION I'VE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.

MY VAGINA IS STILL CRINGING THINKING ABOUT IT

It felt like a terrible sex dragon breathing fire on my clitoris. I screamed. I cried. My roommate (a 60-some year old man that drank non-stop and had flaking skin from mild liver failure) knocked on the door and asked if I was alright and if anything was on fire.

I couldn't sit with my legs closed for three days. I don't sit with my legs together anyway, but had I wanted to, I wouldn't have been able to. I didn't let my ex go down on me for a month. Two reasons:  i couldn't trust him. What he thought felt good was terrible and disgusting and also my clitoris was so friggin' raw just the thought of a penis made me want to cry.

These are terrible memories. *Shudder* I wish I could forget. I hope this blog prevents someone out there from making the same mistake I did. If you try it anyway, don't say I didn't try to warn you.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Starbucks Controls My Sex Drive

Okay, I'm not totally sure if I'm right about this. Right now its just a theory that I'm developing but here goes:  I think Starbucks controls my sex drive.

When we were broke for those two months my husband was out of work, I cut back on a lot of things. But the one thing I couldn't give up was my Starbucks. I drank LESS but I just couldn't give it up completely.

Now, before you say:  you're stupid. Starbucks is expensive. Your cell phone was cut off, lemme just say:

I KNOW I HAVE A PROBLEM.

Starbucks is my crack. I can't help it. I mean, my apartment building is like a halfway house, everyone here is addicted to SOMETHING. Even my son. His addiction? Ni-Hao, Kai-Lan or whatever that show with the cartoon asian kid is. He can't get enough of that show. And I can't get enough of Skinny Iced Caramel Machiattos. I LOVE THEM. If I don't get one, I am in a terrible mood and I don't want to do anything. Especially have sex. If I don't get my daily intake of coffee my husband can kiss the mere idea of any nookie goodbye.

When we were broke, we had a lot of sex. My husband was home all the time, the house was clean, I was working all the time-thus I was near Starbucks. I drank INSANE amounts of Starbucks iced lattes. I had one in the morning. I had one in between shifts. I had one before closing the store at my second job. If I was walking around the mall on one of my breaks there was a good chance that I had either just finished an iced latte or I was on my way to getting a new one.

And when I got home, I would tackle my husband and we would have sex. Amazing sex, too, which was impressive because he only had one hand to work with.

I've noticed something;  I have gone two days with Starbucks. We have not had sex in two days. I have been irritable and my vagina does not want a penis near her. Coincidence? I think not.

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Yeah, touch it there." ..."WHAT?"

I do not have air conditioning.

Not even a window unit. I refuse to rack up that kind of electric bill. My bill is under $100 a month and I intend to keep it that way. Instead, we use window fans. These fans are great for two things. One, my neighbors seem to be afraid of them, so they don't come up to my window and talk to me anymore. Two, they make a lot of noise so my neighbors can't hear me when I'm having sex.

But they are also bad for two reasons:  I can't hear the tv so I have to crank it really loud. Sometimes the walls vibrate. Two, *I* can't hear me having sex because the fans are roaring so loudly.

Last night my husband and I were having sex and during missionary dirty talk is fine because I can sorta lip read what he's saying.

But doggy style...no fuckin' clue what he's saying. Can't hear a fuckin' THING. I know he's talking, though. Because like, there's the sound of his voice but I just can't make anything out.

So we're going at it and he's like, saying something that I'm sure is really dirty and hot and I have to turn around (and I am not the most graceful human being so I almost fell off the bed) and I'm like WHAT DID YOU SAY?

But I'm yelling loudly so he can hear my over the fans and he thinks I was turned off by what he said. So he's like "Oh...sorry. I just thought..."

Me:  No, no its cool. Whatever you said was cool. But what did you say?
HIM:  (sexy dirty talk)
Me:  *snicker* *giggle* (because YES, I am 23, have had sex thousands of times but I still crack up when a guy says 'balls.')

Then we went to bed.

This post was really bad. I'll make it funnier later.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

How To Get Your Girlfriend or Wife to Give Great Head

I used to not care about giving head so my blow jobs were pretty mediocre.

But then one day I was just really into it. I don't know, I think I was drunk or something and my husband said these magical words.

"You're so much better at that than my ex."

From then on, I swear to you, it was like I had to prove myself. I HAD to be the best dick sucker in his life, EVER. Nobody's mouth could top mine.

I pass this knowledge onto you. I want to use my powers for good, not evil. Gentlemen, you are welcome.

Cigarettes Turn Me On. Not Anymore.

My husband is a smoker. I used to be a smoker. I have my slip ups every now and then where I have the occasional drag but seriously, you can't blame me. I have a three year old, my husband is out of work on worker's comp, and I work retail. Cut me a break, sometimes I need a little release.

But my husband or should I say his cigarettes are ruining our sex life. I used to LIKE the taste of cigarettes on his mouth. Now, don't get me wrong-smoking is not sexy because its bad for you and blah blah blah you can get cancer and die and blah blah blah but being a former smoker myself, the taste of it turned me on because it was as close as I could get to smoking myself.

But we live in a crappy white trash area and something in the atmosphere is slowly turning us into white trash. And my husband started smoking Mavericks. Yeah. Really.

He went from Cowboy Killers-the sexiest cigarette on the planet-to Mavericks. Cool, its cheaper...but they're fucking disgusting.

They taste terrible. And brushing his teeth doesn't get the taste out of his mouth. This is a crisis. I don't want to kiss him. I have to find some way to get him to switch cigarette brands.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Before We Get To The Sex

I have to tell you something.

There is a ghost in my house. And he is a pervert.

My husband and I were getting it on (in this crazy position where I was like kinda on my side with one leg in the air and the other was behind my head-I dunno, whenever we have sex or I consume two shots of vodka I get really flexible) and I feel like something is watching me.

So I tell M. to hold on and he's like "You're not going to text K (best friend) are you?" Believe me, at that point, there wasn't much to talk about, so no.

So I put all my joints back into place and kinda do this little crawl in to the dining room and there's nothing there. Everything is just as it is. (Oh, yeah, we were fucking in the living room). So I start to shimmy back to the living room and all of a sudden three books just fall on the ground.

So not only is this ghost being a voyeur and watching us get it on, he's also trying to scare the hell out of me.

Bastard.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Ok, this one doesn't deal with sex. Its about my son.

Dear Family At Chuck E. Cheese,

Dear Family that stared around in alarm when my son began to pick at the pizza on their plates,

I am SO sorry. I promise you manners are a really big deal in my house, but being patrons of Chuck E. Cheese yourself, I am sure you understand that those manners and other childhood lessons fly out the window in places like that. How can my son be expected to focus on only HIS food in a place that encourages a kid to be a kid?

Never the less, my son WAS scolded but to the matriarch of that family, I really didn't appreciate your snide remark about me being a young parent. Are three year olds born to 20 year olds THE ONLY kids in the world that have done this? Because I saw a kid eating cake off of the floor earlier...and he wasn't my kid!

Anyway, thanks for not smacking my kid's hands (I did it for you when we got back to our booth) and thanks for not having us thrown out (btw, after your remark about me young, I kept a close eye on your kids and your little boy? Well, he displays some Michael C. Hall via Dexter tendencies if you ask me-trapping the other kids in the 'dark room'. And um, just so you know, you're SUPPOSED to keep your socks on but your daughter was running around completely barefooted. Aren't you and all older moms worried about things like fungus?). But hey, what do I know? I'm just raising a kid in my early 20s and everyone knows that only three year olds that belong to 20-some year olds have the mentality that everything is theirs right? I'm sure YOUR three year old has never thrown a fit and gotten upset when you said no-because you're 36 and gave birth after marriage, right?

I suggest if you want to get into that Heaven that your kids are learning about every Sunday when you drag them to church to keep up appearances you make sure to learn a little lesson about JUDGEMENT because my age had nothing to do with what my son was doing. It was embarrassing enough when I caught my son eating your food-don't you think you could have had some GRACE and COMPASSION instead of making a snide remark about my age? Its women like YOU who make younger moms like me who are actually FANTASTIC parents feel inferior and nervous about going out in public. But don't worry about that because you can keep on with that upper hand in play groups, ok?

Sincerely,

The Incompetent 23 Year Old Of The Sweetest and Most Intelligent Almost 3 Year Old At Chuck E. Cheese on July 18, 2011  ((xox))

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My First Time

I like to think that I am the type of girl that other girls can relate to. Really, that anyone can relate to. I am down to earth, sometimes a little stand off-ish, sometimes a little shy. I'm actually a lot like that Miley Cyrus song where she talks about how she's famous and that's great and all but really, she's just an ordinary girl who gets lazy and makes wishes and all that good crap. It describes me if you take out the part about being a girl 'cause actually, I'm a woman.

I'm a woman who has tried blogging but this is the first time I've ever had a goal. So-that's what my title means.

I am blogging about sex. I have always tried blogging about the daily day-to-day but honestly that's pretty boring and no one gives a crap about it. I am a 23 year old woman, married and I have a child. Now, that's very relatable, but its also quite dull.

I am also blogging to make money. I am blogging to make money so I can be an adult party consultant and so I can pay my way through college so I can become a sex therapist. That's right-one of those girls.

So, this is the first blog that I HAVE to keep up with. When I say I'm blogging like its my job, and experimenting with sexy like its my job, I mean it.

My husband is very excited. Please, tell your friends about this so I can go to school and have a real job that doesn't involve me talking about my vagina and dildoes.

Oh, by the way, my next blog will be about sex-not just about blogs that are about sex. Stay tunes.