About Me

Do you like sex and food? Have you ever found yourself in a compromising situation and thought "Hey, what the hell?' and just gone with it?" If you answered yes to either of these question then we can probably be friends.

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Yeah, touch it there." ..."WHAT?"

I do not have air conditioning.

Not even a window unit. I refuse to rack up that kind of electric bill. My bill is under $100 a month and I intend to keep it that way. Instead, we use window fans. These fans are great for two things. One, my neighbors seem to be afraid of them, so they don't come up to my window and talk to me anymore. Two, they make a lot of noise so my neighbors can't hear me when I'm having sex.

But they are also bad for two reasons:  I can't hear the tv so I have to crank it really loud. Sometimes the walls vibrate. Two, *I* can't hear me having sex because the fans are roaring so loudly.

Last night my husband and I were having sex and during missionary dirty talk is fine because I can sorta lip read what he's saying.

But doggy style...no fuckin' clue what he's saying. Can't hear a fuckin' THING. I know he's talking, though. Because like, there's the sound of his voice but I just can't make anything out.

So we're going at it and he's like, saying something that I'm sure is really dirty and hot and I have to turn around (and I am not the most graceful human being so I almost fell off the bed) and I'm like WHAT DID YOU SAY?

But I'm yelling loudly so he can hear my over the fans and he thinks I was turned off by what he said. So he's like "Oh...sorry. I just thought..."

Me:  No, no its cool. Whatever you said was cool. But what did you say?
HIM:  (sexy dirty talk)
Me:  *snicker* *giggle* (because YES, I am 23, have had sex thousands of times but I still crack up when a guy says 'balls.')

Then we went to bed.

This post was really bad. I'll make it funnier later.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

How To Get Your Girlfriend or Wife to Give Great Head

I used to not care about giving head so my blow jobs were pretty mediocre.

But then one day I was just really into it. I don't know, I think I was drunk or something and my husband said these magical words.

"You're so much better at that than my ex."

From then on, I swear to you, it was like I had to prove myself. I HAD to be the best dick sucker in his life, EVER. Nobody's mouth could top mine.

I pass this knowledge onto you. I want to use my powers for good, not evil. Gentlemen, you are welcome.

Cigarettes Turn Me On. Not Anymore.

My husband is a smoker. I used to be a smoker. I have my slip ups every now and then where I have the occasional drag but seriously, you can't blame me. I have a three year old, my husband is out of work on worker's comp, and I work retail. Cut me a break, sometimes I need a little release.

But my husband or should I say his cigarettes are ruining our sex life. I used to LIKE the taste of cigarettes on his mouth. Now, don't get me wrong-smoking is not sexy because its bad for you and blah blah blah you can get cancer and die and blah blah blah but being a former smoker myself, the taste of it turned me on because it was as close as I could get to smoking myself.

But we live in a crappy white trash area and something in the atmosphere is slowly turning us into white trash. And my husband started smoking Mavericks. Yeah. Really.

He went from Cowboy Killers-the sexiest cigarette on the planet-to Mavericks. Cool, its cheaper...but they're fucking disgusting.

They taste terrible. And brushing his teeth doesn't get the taste out of his mouth. This is a crisis. I don't want to kiss him. I have to find some way to get him to switch cigarette brands.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Before We Get To The Sex

I have to tell you something.

There is a ghost in my house. And he is a pervert.

My husband and I were getting it on (in this crazy position where I was like kinda on my side with one leg in the air and the other was behind my head-I dunno, whenever we have sex or I consume two shots of vodka I get really flexible) and I feel like something is watching me.

So I tell M. to hold on and he's like "You're not going to text K (best friend) are you?" Believe me, at that point, there wasn't much to talk about, so no.

So I put all my joints back into place and kinda do this little crawl in to the dining room and there's nothing there. Everything is just as it is. (Oh, yeah, we were fucking in the living room). So I start to shimmy back to the living room and all of a sudden three books just fall on the ground.

So not only is this ghost being a voyeur and watching us get it on, he's also trying to scare the hell out of me.

Bastard.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Ok, this one doesn't deal with sex. Its about my son.

Dear Family At Chuck E. Cheese,

Dear Family that stared around in alarm when my son began to pick at the pizza on their plates,

I am SO sorry. I promise you manners are a really big deal in my house, but being patrons of Chuck E. Cheese yourself, I am sure you understand that those manners and other childhood lessons fly out the window in places like that. How can my son be expected to focus on only HIS food in a place that encourages a kid to be a kid?

Never the less, my son WAS scolded but to the matriarch of that family, I really didn't appreciate your snide remark about me being a young parent. Are three year olds born to 20 year olds THE ONLY kids in the world that have done this? Because I saw a kid eating cake off of the floor earlier...and he wasn't my kid!

Anyway, thanks for not smacking my kid's hands (I did it for you when we got back to our booth) and thanks for not having us thrown out (btw, after your remark about me young, I kept a close eye on your kids and your little boy? Well, he displays some Michael C. Hall via Dexter tendencies if you ask me-trapping the other kids in the 'dark room'. And um, just so you know, you're SUPPOSED to keep your socks on but your daughter was running around completely barefooted. Aren't you and all older moms worried about things like fungus?). But hey, what do I know? I'm just raising a kid in my early 20s and everyone knows that only three year olds that belong to 20-some year olds have the mentality that everything is theirs right? I'm sure YOUR three year old has never thrown a fit and gotten upset when you said no-because you're 36 and gave birth after marriage, right?

I suggest if you want to get into that Heaven that your kids are learning about every Sunday when you drag them to church to keep up appearances you make sure to learn a little lesson about JUDGEMENT because my age had nothing to do with what my son was doing. It was embarrassing enough when I caught my son eating your food-don't you think you could have had some GRACE and COMPASSION instead of making a snide remark about my age? Its women like YOU who make younger moms like me who are actually FANTASTIC parents feel inferior and nervous about going out in public. But don't worry about that because you can keep on with that upper hand in play groups, ok?

Sincerely,

The Incompetent 23 Year Old Of The Sweetest and Most Intelligent Almost 3 Year Old At Chuck E. Cheese on July 18, 2011  ((xox))

Sunday, July 17, 2011

My First Time

I like to think that I am the type of girl that other girls can relate to. Really, that anyone can relate to. I am down to earth, sometimes a little stand off-ish, sometimes a little shy. I'm actually a lot like that Miley Cyrus song where she talks about how she's famous and that's great and all but really, she's just an ordinary girl who gets lazy and makes wishes and all that good crap. It describes me if you take out the part about being a girl 'cause actually, I'm a woman.

I'm a woman who has tried blogging but this is the first time I've ever had a goal. So-that's what my title means.

I am blogging about sex. I have always tried blogging about the daily day-to-day but honestly that's pretty boring and no one gives a crap about it. I am a 23 year old woman, married and I have a child. Now, that's very relatable, but its also quite dull.

I am also blogging to make money. I am blogging to make money so I can be an adult party consultant and so I can pay my way through college so I can become a sex therapist. That's right-one of those girls.

So, this is the first blog that I HAVE to keep up with. When I say I'm blogging like its my job, and experimenting with sexy like its my job, I mean it.

My husband is very excited. Please, tell your friends about this so I can go to school and have a real job that doesn't involve me talking about my vagina and dildoes.

Oh, by the way, my next blog will be about sex-not just about blogs that are about sex. Stay tunes.